personal | why cannabis?

Life before cannabis, for me, was a monochromatic picture. I could appreciate it in a detached, unfamiliar kind of way, but I felt very apathetic towards the whole thing. The extent of my emotional range was typically "okay" and "so anxious I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin," but that's how I'd felt for most of my life so it didn't strike me as anything out of the ordinary. I'd grown accustomed to the seemingly random panic attacks that interrupted every day. I didn't know any better. I thought, this must be how everyone lives. 

I realize now how wrong I was. 

The first time I smoked weed was like I was seeing colour for the first time, and dimensions. I felt like I was really employing all of my senses. I finally understood the concept of "feeling alive." I didn't experience false illusions of grandeur, or try to jump off a roof or really anything at all; I just felt like I was meeting myself again after a very long separation. 

At first, it was pretty painful. 

Around the time I started using cannabis, I was just beginning to come to terms with a lot of facets of my life, including my dad's death a decade or so earlier. I'd spent most of my teen years in angry denial, or simply repressing how I felt--I wasn't sure how I felt--but as an adult, as a new cannabis user, I started to acknowledge those feelings and tackle them head-on. I started journaling about my feelings and talking about them with the people I love. It was a painful and scary, but it was a breakthrough that years of SSRIs and talk therapy had never provided. 

Slowly I found myself tackling my fears. I finally got my driver's license and started traveling. I bought a car, got a career. I owned a business for a few minutes until I realized how much work goes into a business--now I have a handful of interesting hobbies to pursue on the side. I put myself out there and met a few special souls who are my closest friends today.

I started to get to know myself again, free of panic attacks and nerves. I learned that I love traveling, even if it's just to the other side of town. I learned that I enjoy live music and shows, but that crowds and long waits are an annoyance I'll probably never come to terms with. I learned that I love living naturally and holistically in any way that I can, but also that some products are honestly better bought in store. I learned that I'm a lot more hearty than I ever thought, and that I can do damn near anything I set my mind to.

After I started smoking I noticed  more positive changes in my life and personal health. My insomnia slowly disappearing--I can easily sleep through the night, which used to be difficult for me, so long as I've got my bedtime bowl. I have more energy than I've ever had before, so I can actually take on crazy blog projects (ahem) or start lifting at the gym. My menstrual cramps, a symptom of the polycystic ovarian syndrome I've suffered from my entire life, haven't gone away, but they are easier to manage and I no longer feel the need to call out during my time of the month. My body's operating the way it should for the first time in who knows how long, and I've never felt better. 

I still struggle (my good days lately have outweighed the bad), but I have built a life for myself that I am proud of and I'm certain that I wouldn't have made it this far without cannabis. 

I wasted so much of my life when my anxiety controlled me. I missed so many opportunities and experiences just because I couldn't get a grip on myself. I spent so much time in my head fixated on the negative that I forgot to enjoy the positive, like a text from someone you love, the smell after a heavy spring rain or a really good meal. I used to get so worked up over the most menial things (I still do now and again; I'm a living work in progress), but now I relish the little things, like finding a fiver at the bottom of my purse or happening into the best parking spot in the garage. I don't wake up dreading the day (unless it's a Monday, but I think we all feel that way)--I really, genuinely enjoy my life now and I am grateful for every moment I get. 

A lot of people, upon hearing that I am not only a cannabis user but an outspoken activist, often question my love of cannabis. They make a lot of assumptions about me and about my use. I'm not the most eloquent person in real life, but if I had a chance to word my why, I'd tell them this:

Cannabis cures. This plant has saved my life, and has helped people I know and love near and far. Legalized, it has the capacity to revolutionize our culture and our community in so many ways. Pot isn't just for burnout hippies anymore--it can benefit working professionals, veterans, children, pets and the world as a whole.

Simply put, I believe in cannabis, and you should too. 

Stay high, friends.